This Too Shall Bleed

as a trans woman
I'm just days into walking as myself

as a spouse
I've recently separated from my wife

I share equal time with
our two-year-old son

we love the farm days most

the patient chickens
the hungry ducks
the bouncing tractor
the strong excavator

looking forward to another day
I'm on my way to pick him up

she texts:

     “he is still taking a nap”

I turn around

two hours pass
she texts again:

     “he just woke up
     but I'm going to keep him”

it unravels as I pull up to
the empty house

credit card notifications arrive:

     $1500 at Lowe's
     $500 for a locksmith

we have no divorce papers
no custody agreements
only promises made with air

and now she cuts me

a deep wound bleeding tears
leaving me shaking
while face down in the dirt

days — weeks — months

with
no answers
no reasons
no texts

living in the darkness
a crack begins
a bond is breaking

for the first time
I see her need for control

so similar to my childhood church

I can break this down too
I declare!

but do I accept the cost?

I have no choice—

when you are falling down a mountain
you look for a soft landing

but you still bleed